Let’s get down about leaving the toilet seat up.

Yes I said it. Women all over the universe are complaining about leaving the toilet seat down. But in fact (I think) that’s the stupidest thing to do.

1. Women think guys are lazy fucks. And yes they are. So if they are lazy enough to not bother keeping the seat up/down whenever they start/finish their business, they wouldn’t care less for what deposits they leave on the seat. And if you be sharing the house with only one male member, then it gets even worse. Coz he doesn’t care if it’s his own deposit he’s sitting on when he’s giving a ‘deposit’. He’ll just toilet paper it and move on. (multiple male members in the family will change that equation…mind you)

2. Have you ever pondered about how many germs lay inside the bowl? And that these germs can fly onto the seat when it’s flushed. Think about it. (Seat up…good. Seat down…not so good!)

3. You want the seat down. We want it up. So you take it down when you want to and we’ll take it up when we want to. Simple. And if you don’t want point number 1 (pun was truly unintentional) to happen, then just leave the rule to ‘KEEP SEAT UP’


Problem solved. What say?

Crick Beer Dot Com

It’s just after lunch in office. It’s the Ind-Pak match right now. And I couldn’t care less.

There’s beer in office and the match on the big screen. You can pretty much guess what I’m facing and what I’m not.

I actually don’t mind the match, just that I can see the world losing precious work hours over it. Not that I’m being all productive and shit with this open word doc and a beer in hand… but I’m thinking of all those others who are toggling between excel sheets and cricinfo.in or whichever site that is… (apparently, using ellipses drives home the point… or so I assume)

I’m glad they be putting the match on all 4 corners of this office. I’m catching up on all the useless crap we call ads. Yes I said it right. We believe we in a business to make some sense out of Brand Advertising. I don’t know if any of us actually succeed.

Call me a pessimist.

No! seriously… call me a pessimist. I won’t get pissed off. All I will do is gently sip my beer (Like so. Imagine me sipping my beer …right about …here)

My ears hurt…. Because everyone in the office holds a whistle to their lips. The kind that will want you to rather put a knife to your groin then hear it.

A balloon burst somewhere in office. Guess that has nothing to do with the blogpost… but it just happened…just saying!

Some people in office still managing to work. I applaud them. Some people just have to go back to the rut, irrespective of the beer. You guys ROCK!

I’m now sleepy. And I’d rather post this before I decide not to.

Cheers. Beer is waiting.

These

I’ve been afraid of this word doc. It’s blank and it’s staring me in the face. Like ‘Haha! You want to write something on your dam blog, but I won’t let you to!’ I’ve been seriously wanting to scrap, but I don’t know what to talk about.

Speaking of scrap, I recently deleted my orkut account. I was afraid I’ll accidentally delete something important. But then again, it’s Orkut yaar. What more did I lose, other than just a space on the web.

I remember the days of orkut. Random people checking out random photos. People wanting to make ‘friendship’ and people peeing on your wall (Happens even now on facebook… but not as shoddily and shamelessly as it used to happen on Orkut)

But it’s over and done with. I have committed Orkutish Suicide.

How bored does a man have to get to commit online suicide?

I deleted my orkut coz someone reminded me of something that was written on it. And it was actually spam. And I for one don’t want anyone to actually think I have written that shit. Next thing you know I got the FBI after my ass.

Female Body Inspector

I HATE CORNY T-Shirts. And I hate people who want to wear corny T-shirts like they didn’t see it before picking it themselves /accepting one from someone.

Fat obese guy: Think Big
Guy who looks like a Banana Vendor: I was made for you baby.
Guy who resembles a Sweeper: Am I hot or what?

Free ka maal hai that doesn’t mean you go about wearing it.

And it’s not just the guys. Have you seen that stupid thing some women in Mumbai wear which says ‘I have a face above these’

(I don’t care if you have a face. I don’t want to stare at your Tee thinking what a fool you are while you wonder …..Oh why is he looking at my ‘these’?)

The Vacuum Cleaner Rests

Tucked away, beneath it all,
Are crumbs of bread, papad and dal.
Who put them there, I cannot tell.
Somebody’s going to burn in hell.

‘Have you been eating on my keyboard?
I asked my neighbour-in-disguise.’
“Why are you so mad?”, she despised.
“Can you not chill?” She criticized.

‘Can I beat you, and show you mad?
Why is it that you don’t feel sad?’
‘Look at what’s here … and with fear die
Look right there, bombil fry?’

‘Keep your lunch away form me.’
‘Give me freedom. To be free.’
“But then where do I go?
What do I see?
Where do I eat?
What’s in it for me?”

‘To hell with you. Your crumbs. Your life.
It’s my keyboard not our wife.
So eat at the table, you filthy pest.
Give my vacuum cleaner, much needed rest.’

The Destination

The lights come closer.
Like a distant reality.
The engine screams its name.

It's here finally, and I jump in.
I jump into this nowhere train.

It's got no destination.
Nobody on board.
It's got no purpose to serve or be served a railroad.

It's a train to nowhere. A train to nowhere.
Beware, it’s a train to nowhere.

It needs no station,
coz it ain’t kno where to go.

Stop. Start. Stop and go.
It's all a part of the plan.
Right left up down.
It's all but the same.

You won't ever recognise this nowhere train.

It happened to my guitar.

You spend a Saturday jamming with your band.
You spend the Sunday watching ‘It Might Get Loud’.
You go for Sunday evening mass in your shorts.
You comeback home and listen to some Joe Sat.
And this is what happens to your old guitar.




(In case you didn't get the point... my guitar was brown and now it's this. I'm calling it 'GRASS'Post Reincarnation.

The Band

Written when we just moved into the new office at Parel (December 2009)

The Euro RSCG office just shifted. And a bright, sunny day in this new office calls for a bright, sunny post. So, what should it be about?

Maybe it’ll be about the guy who’s so used to blasting his speakers in his own private section, that he doesn’t realise that now we all have to bear his music. Because this new office is devoid of walls.

Maybe it’ll be about the umpteen number of television sets all across this roundish office that have nothing but the cricket match being beamed out. Why?

Maybe it’ll be about the pantry that’s next to the server room that’s next to the Ladies loo that’s next to the Men’s loo, that’s situated inside a structure that looks like a cupboard.

Maybe this post will be about an office devoid of blinds. Where the sun crawls in from all directions, because it can.

Maybe it’ll be about my computer that suffering from an acute shortage of ram. Forcing me to watch videos like they were slides on a power point presentation.

Whatever this post turns out to be, I think it’s over before it even began.

Unity: My Ass

Yesterday night, Santosh and I boarded the train at Lower Parel. Just as we got in we heard two people arguing. One of them was standing at the door, he looked red eyed, much like a rowdy muslim boy from the street, who’s ready to loose a tooth to show who’s boss. The other guy, who had also just got in the train with us, was a gujju guy, 20 something.

I don’t understand why, but the latter wanted to hang by the door as the former started to abuse the fuck out of him. And then the gujju guy got slapped. Again. And again.

What I fail to understand is that why the fuck didn’t anyone intervene. Nobody said a word. Nobody came to his rescue. People just looked and stared. Some enjoyed. Some laughed. Some were left baffled.

I would have done the same (and I shamefully admit it), had it not been for santosh who looked at me and stood up. I looked back at him and stood up too. Santosh went up to guy who was belting the slaps and told him ‘Bas kar na bhai …bahut ho gaya’…. And I too echoed the claim. We both managed to stop the assault, while the others just watched.

I particularly felt bad for the guy who was being slapped, his face was red…thankfully he wasn’t bleeding. The musilm goonda looked stoned. And to add to it …he wanted to fight. He was already bruised from an earlier fight. And I guess it was his earlier failure that got him to vent it out on this young gujju chap.

What would you have done, if you were a witness to such a crime in broad daylight?
Would you go rescue the guy?
Would you say something?
Would you prove the old saying right: ‘United we stand’?

My Ass!

Finally.

(As written by me on my cell phone on Sunday night, before i went to sleep)

Today i had the best time ever, with my guitar. I think i played for like two and a half hours, collectively. And i now regret not takin a video, or at least a sound byte.

The moment has passed. It'll never come back.

How many times have we not lived in the moment? Do we not realise that this very moment, as you read these words on my blog, will never come back again? Have we not realised that the mantra 'now or never' holds true, for everything we do?

Ok. I'm suddenly gettin heavy headed. Maybe it's all the writing. Or just the cold i've been troubled with, since last wednesday.

Dejavu. This has happened before. This has happened before.

I'm writin this post from my cell. And i'm determined to ramble on for two thousand two hundred and thirty one characters more. Just coz i can.

Am i self centered?
Should i not be?

Sleep sleep. Where art thou? The farm's ready, where the fucking plough. To be or not to be, is the question, they say. Can you really bear my rambling, or you'd rather learn pottery with clay.

I rhyme a lot.

And i frankly don't kno if that's a good thing. Or a good thing.

Let's take a break here. I've spoken for too long. Let's talk about you. Do you like angels? Do you think you can be one? Would you learn the drums, given a chance? Is there a song you really hate? Are you also suffering from insomnia? Is it that time of the month for you, even though you're a guy? Have you had too much to drink lately? Do you like apple pie?

Feel free to answer these questions. If you've got the time.

Have you ever tried to put words to the sounds that are emitted from your bedroom fan? Mine's sayin 'here there here there here there' x infinity.

Tsk. Now i can't seem to stop with the 'hear there'

a thousand more characters to go. I can do this. If only i had so much dedication to everythin i set my sights on. I actually think i do. But i really don't kno.

I keep contradicting myself. Dejavu. Again.

Now my hands hurt. Ouch. Maybe i should cut this short. There goes the dedication out the window.

Yawn. Aah. Sleep. Finally.

The Man: JOE

V1:
Put your hand out the window
And turn back Joe.

Put your head out the window
And turn back Joe.

Your dog did his doodie on my lawn today
I just want you to take it away
All my kids want to do is go out and play
…on their lawn today.


V2:
Put your eyes in your head Joe
And take them home.

Put your hands where I can see ‘em
And take them home.

Your wife ran away and took your name plate
Have some shame Joe, these kids are seven and eight
Just go away, get a new date… Joe.


(Space for a face melting guitar solo, much like Jack Black in ‘School Of Rock’)


Coda:
Joe you’re such a disgrace.
You come last in a one man race.
Now get away from me, Joe.


(All characters in this piece are fictitious. Except JOE, he’s the man)

Before you accuse me of being vague

I don’t know if today’s the best day to write. But since I have not rambled on since a long time, here goes.

Frankly I’ve been staying away from writing on my blog. More so, coz I don’t want to accidently write something I really don’t want the world to know. That’s assuming the whole freaking world cares about what’s happening to me.

Nonetheless, I shall try to rant (without actually ranting)

I miss my guitar. Haven’t really been able to touch it over the weekend.:-(

Maybe I’m too busy with work. Or at play. Or at not doing anything while I do so much. Oops! I think I’ve said too much.

I miss the times when words like Orals and Periods would just mean ‘Exams’ and ‘Lectures’. Where have those days gone by? :-(

I don’t like people polluting. Especially those ignorant fools who fold a bag of Potato Chips to the size of a friggin fifty paisa coin and then throw it on the tracks. “It’s so small yaar… what harm can it possible cause?”. I’ll shove it up your arse…then let’s see what harm it can cause.

I don’t like the way people behave. With themselves. With others. (I’d much rather not elaborate, although I know that even I may not know exactly what I am hinting at, ten years from now, when I revisit this page). Hi Austin from the future, this is Austin from the past. Today is 25th august and I am still in office. I hope things are looking much better and brighter as you read this, ten years from now.

I hate death.

I love pizzas. Not the kind you get at Dominoes or at Pizza Hut. But the ones I make on my own. For those who haven’t yet got the opportunity to taste one of those. You don’t know what you’re missing out on. Call me right now, to know more. (I’m expecting your call)

I don’t like when people don’t call me(ahem). Or reply to SMSes, for that matter. Even if I don’t care about the people who call me, I surely return their calls.

NOTE TO SELF: Stop being so vague.

I like being vague. It’s like plants in the summer sun.

I like this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOurz4-OH8I

Dude! Yeh galat hai!

Galti kar li maine
Yaad ho gayi nani
Do glass chai ke saath
Pi li nimbu pani

Galti kar li maine
Kyu ki itni daring?
Socha tha ‘Wah kya rapchick maal hai’
Nikla bobby darling

Galti kar li maine
Kyu li maine doston ki side
Maine socha woh mujhe dhek rahi hai
Par woh nikli cockeyed

Galti kar li maine
Kyu thi charbi khub saari?
Was thinking office nahi jaye, aaj.
Subha ko muster sign kiya. Agli subha ko exit maari.

An experiment

Let me see if this experiment works. I’m going to look around my room. I'm going to name an object.I'm going to tell you something interesting i remember about that object, in one line. Simple isn't it? (I like simple experiments)

1. Cardboard cut-out of ‘Fido Dido – The 7up Cartoon Character’ – I robbed this from Mood Indigo (IIT College Fest) about 3 years ago.

2. Sony Ericsson s500i – Don’t buy it coz the key’s break.

3. Chinese Dragon Wall Hanging – Arundhati gifted me this, about a year ago. (it’s not Chinese…hehehe)

4. Newspaper-Mache lamp – I made it myself after getting weirdly inspired by ROB (watch MAD on POGO, you’ll know what I mean)

5. Half Filled Bottle of Nimbooz – There’s water in it now. (10 seconds later)…ahem …it’s empty now!

6. Roland Amplifier – It lies besides my computer on all weekdays and it comes to life on the weekends, coz that’s the only time I get to manhandle my guitar! (PS: My neighbours aren’t my best friends on weekends…. You get the drift right?)

7. Videocon Washing Machine – It’s just in my room. If I try to throw it out ‘I’ may have to vacate the room with it.

8. 2 pairs of shorts on the steel chair – I’m just too lazy to find a steel hangar, that’s why!

9. The book ‘Shantaram’ inside a ‘Crosswords’ plastic bag – I tried taking it out from the bag, almost fell asleep. Finished half the book. Will finish the rest later (before I hit the grave, for sure!)

10. Webcam – Oh Fuck! I have a webcam??? Damn, even I didn’t know that. WOHOOO!


(PS: Feel free to try the experiment on your blog. And don’t expect me to fucking say shit like ‘I tag you’ or ‘You’re next’ or whatever. If you feel like it, go right ahead. Nahi toh yeh window bandh kar aur apne blog pe kuch interesting likh!)

Let it come. Let it not come back.

I thought that day had come and gone.
Alas, I was wrong.
I'm looking for it to come again.
I've been waiting for it since long.

Sometimes I pray.
Sometimes I wonder.
Sometimes I stare at the ceiling, just like that.

I know not what awaits me.
Maybe it's meant to be that way.
And i know, for sure, it's a fact.

But about one thing i'm certain,
after that moment comes again,
I'd never want it to once again come back.

:-)

Watchtower (with some cool sunlight effects)

Yahoo Uncannies Award Entry

OK!

Not the smartest title ever. But i'm trying to keep it as simple as possible.

- Go to www.uncannies.com and click on 'PRINT'

OR

- Click here

AND THEN VOTE FOR ME


...and if you're really generous, you can also check the radio section.
Which is (ahem) here



And if you've not got a YAHOO ID...don't bother. It's not worth the effort!!!

The Time Machine.

Why can’t it be built?
Why can’t I go back in time?
Why can’t I undo the wrong?
Why can’t I undo the right turned wrong?

And if I do manage?

Will I not have written what I am writing?
Would something change?
Would an unearthly hour not demand and unearthly post?
Would the ship be anchored halfway past the coast?

50 stock expressions of a creative person

(and before we begin....
let me quote the source

http://orchardfresh.blogspot.com/search?q=50+stock+expressions+of+a+creative+person


enjoy the list.....
the ones i really like are
13, 14, 24, 39, 45,
....and of course number 6)


1. Where's the brief?
2. You call this a brief?
3. I like the font you've used in the brief.
4. Where's the insight?
5. When do you need it?
6. F*ck off.
7. Go take a jump.
8. This is unacceptable.
9. I think I've cracked it…
10. I have a fantastic idea…
11. The scene opens in a beach in Australia…
12. Is it hot?
13. Will it win?
14. It's been done before.
15. I did this some ten years ago.
16. There's a thought there…
17. I have a better idea…
18. It's a good idea but will it work?
19. I think it will get a nomination.
20. Fabulous idea. We should park it for some other client…
21. We have the idea. We just need a logo.
22. Can we get this released before December 31stt?
23. Is the font size too big?
24. Let's not put our key number on this ad.
25. Let's upload it to the Archive.
26. I think I've earned my salary for the year.
27. I'll buy you a beer if you can sell this ad.
28. I am not coming for the meeting…
29. We've looked at it from all angles…
30. We are quite excited with the work…
31. I am sure you'll love it…
32. Of course, your customers will get it!
33. Trust me, the campaign will work.
34. Bastards they killed it.
35. The joker didn't get the ad.
36. He can't tell his arse from his elbow.
37. I am not gonna work on it
38. You have two options. Take it or leave it.
39. Come let's go for a smoke.
40. What are you doing for lunch?
41. Let's sleep over it.
42. We've started brainstorming.
43. We are working on it.
44. We are not happy with the idea.
45. Call up the client and postpone the meeting.
46. I think I deserve a break.
47. Let's hire some good looking chicks.
48. Did you see that commercial? It was terrible.
49. How many metals did O&M get?
50. I am quitting.


(i would like to add a few...

51. Let's have a Con-Call with the client
52. Dude... bahut laga pada hai
53. Let's do this tomorrow
54. I tried to explain it to them, but those fuckers don't understand yaar!
55. Do you ever bother to ask them why?
56. Sorry boss, ask my senior.
57. Bhug bosadike
58. Of course i function like a Jukebox when it comes to lines. Coin toh daal!
59. It will look good after the art guy is done with it. Fikar not.
60. Shit! We have to give it at three? Push kar na!

The DVD Song